I sat down and stared at the
piece of paper infront of me. I knew what I needed to do. I unzipped my
butterfly pencil case and reached in. My fingers searched through the nubs of
creativity and grasped the parker fountain pen. I pulled my hand out and took
off the lid. My pen flowed over the page and wrote this:
Hate:
Your stupid questions
You flirted with other girls
You never seemed to love me the way I loved you
You didn't kiss me back
You always walked the other way you saw me
You hated my best friend
You laughed at me
You always took things the wrong way
You stood infront of windows and sorted out your
hair, vain
You always talked about video games
You always complained about what I wanted to do
You never listened to me
You make me love you
Love:
You texted me sweet messages
You called me beautiful, a lot
Your hair
Your beautiful blue eyes
Your walk
You always bought me dinner (even if it was
McDonald's)
You took me on dates
Your sweet
You stand infront of windows and sort out your
hair, sweet
You held my hand in public
You kissed my cheek
You were always happy to see me
You were never embarrassed of me
You hung around with me and my mates
You ate my lunch with me
You always tried to come and find me
You bought me a necklace
You were never shy when we were on our own
You went to the cinema with me
You texted me good morning and good night
Your funny
You never took sides between me and your friends
You thought I was cute in an elf hat and you
told me
You had a pic of me as your home screen
Your smell
You make me love you
I came to the
conclusion, once I’d finished writing my lists that there was far too many
reasons why, if he ever asked, I would take him back. I knew I shouldn’t, I knew now that he was a cheat and a liar so
why did I feel the need to be loved by him again? It didn’t make sense! I
decided to write a final sentence at the end and then put it in the food
cupboard where no one would ever find it.
So
much more to love about you than hate. I wish I still had all that...
It didn’t occur to me at the time that I could have ripped
it up and chucked it in the bin, but I suppose the back of the food cupboard
seemed far more romantic. I never intended on giving it to Jimmy, not ever, not
in a million years… I looked at the love list and my eyes hovered over: You thought I was cute in an elf
hat and you told me
I
smiled as I stepped through the progress centre doors. He was waiting for me,
so was the whole of year 7 by the looks of things. “Open it Siora! Open it!” I
looked down at the large bag Jimmy was holding in his hands. I already knew what was in there: a necklace
and a teddy bear; Harry had told me – what a jerk. I smiled and handed him his
card. It was rubbish, just something I’d picked up. He smiled and handed me
mine. I gasped. It was massive! “Lets go by your form cause we’re not actually
aloud in here.” Laughed Scarlett. We made our way through the other doors and
an even larger crowd surrounded me. “Oooooh!! Its really big!” I laughed with
the people who sniggered at Katy’s comment and she realised her mistake. “The
card, doofus.” She sniggered along with them and I smiled. “Go on then! Open
it!” someone said. I turned the card over and looked at the back. I was
disappointed; no SWALK (sealed with a loving kiss) written on the envelope
seal. I placed my fingers on the edge and dug my nail in the paper. I tore it
open and pulled out the card from inside “Merry Christmas and a happy new
year!” was written on the front and it was 3D! I gasped with delight and looked
at Jimmy, I would have kissed him if no one had been there. But there was, a
lot of people. I opened the card and saw the basic words that could only be
expected, he was only male. “To Siora, merry Christmas, love Jimmy. x” At least
there was a x at the end. I smiled and
hugged him. He passed me my present but I still refused to open it much to
everyone’s disappointment, they were only nosy anyway, they didn’t really care.
It
was fancy dress day and Jimmy was wearing an elf hat and I was wearing two
pairs of deelyboppers: one Christmas trees the others Rudolf. I felt hands on
the top of my Rudolfs and they were whipped off my head. The same happened to
my Christmas trees before I could get my hands up to my head. It was only Twila
so I let her have them for now. Jimmy smiled
and took his elf hat off and placed it onto my own head. I smiled and said “I
look ridiculous!” He shook his head and said “You look cute, really cute.” And
hugged me. I made the hug last longer than usual, so that I could look up into
his sapphire eyes and smile. I loved his eyes. He then whispered in my ear “You
look MEGA cute in an elf hat.” I just stayed in his arms.
Although in my
memory I was smiling, I was not. Why did I do it to myself? Why did I put
myself through so much pain? Why did I choose to look at the memory? Bring it
all back? I sighed and typed up my list. I went onto google+ and copied my list
onto a post. I hit share and hoped no one commented.
There was a knife
being twisted in my stomach. I looked down and saw no knife, no it was just
pain. I stared at the bowl infront of me. I willed it to come out, if it meant
the pain would go away I would quite happily puke over the whole house then
clear it up afterwards if it meant the pain would go. I eventually dozed off to
sleep with sick in the back of my throat ready to explode. 1:00AM I felt
it. My eyes opened up as wide as windows and I sat up straight. I gasped and
everything tumbled out of my system into the bowl and the floor. “I am so
sorry.” I whispered as I stared at the mess on the white rug. Another load
flooded out of me as well as tears. It was horrid. I sat there gagging with
nothing coming out of me. It was
horrid. My mum came round the bed and picked up the bowl. I heard her gagging
as she poured the puke down the toilet. “I am so sorry.” And my head then hit
the pillow and I was fast asleep. 1:32AM I could feel it again. I had
hoped that would be the one and only puke but here it was again. I jumped out
of bed and ran into the loo. I was determined not to put my mum through that
again. A sticky yellow liquid poured out of my mouth and into the loo. I tried
not to look but I knew it wasn’t as bad as the chunks that I had thrown up last
time. I was pleased that it wasn’t going to be so uncomfortable next time. I
hoped I would have one more puke up and then I would be done, I could go to
sleep and rest. 2:14AM It was happening again. I flung the covers back
and went to the bathroom. The emptying of my stomach wasn’t as violent and I
hoped this would be the last, I was certain. I sat there retching again and
again until nothing more came up and just gagged uncontrollably. I slowly made
my way back to bed exhausted. 2:36AM I could feel it, it was happening
again. I was tired of it. I ran to the
loo and puked up yet another time. It
was a paler yellow this time and the consistency was runnier than last time. I
sat on the carpet and closed my eyes. It was then that I knew that I was going
to have a bad night and this certainatly wouldn’t be the end. It carried on
until 7:43 that morning. Every half an hour. I sat in bed after the half past
seven puke up in agonizing pain. I sat in bed slightly dizzy and confused. My
eyes were closed and I couldn’t help myself from groaning. I could vaguely hear
my parents asking me if I was OK but I didn’t care and wasn’t listening. All I
could hear was the pounding of my heart, all I could feel was the sweat that
smothered my body and the shocking pain in my stomach. I stayed like this for
an hour until I felt something stir in my tummy. My mum heard it and she looked
at me. I looked at her. “Move” she shot out of the way and I ran into the
toilet and let it all out. “Come on” I whispered as all the runny liquid came
out of me. I willed it on, every morsel of pain out of my system, gone. “Come on,
do your worst. Come on out of me. hit me with your best shot.” And it did.
Every last scrap of food and drink that was inside of me came out and the best
thing was it didn’t even leave me hungry, thank god – that meant no more. I had
a silent celebration in my head and went back to bed. My head hit the pillow
and I was gone. My last thought was Jimmy’s face when he held my hand for the
first time.
I
pushed my hair back behind my ear and looked at him. I couldn’t believe it, he
was mine, all mine. There was ice on the floor but I didn’t realise. I went to
run out of the junior block with my gang but slipped. I was shocked to find an
arm behind me that held me up. I fell back into it and stayed next to his heart
for a second. I knew it was him, I could just tell. I looked at my friends and
I could see there constrained giggles. I smiled and laughed; my friends were
suddenly at ease and joined in with my giggling. I stood up and brushed my self down, I then felt his hand slip
into my own and I looked up into his eyes. He smiled his crooked smile and I
beamed. My heart was having a celebration and I could hear and see fireworks
beside his face. I looked down embarrassed but kept my hand intertwined with
his. We carried on walking, me, him and the rest of the gang, but I then saw
them: Hattie and Roberta. They hated my guts. I gulped and looked at Kara but
she wasn’t looking at me, she didn’t even understand but I thought she would
understand more than the rest. Kara and me had gone to the same primary school and
had been best friends until Hannah took me away, the horrid thing was I didn’t
even realise that I was leaving Kara behind.
Roberta and Hattie are a year older than me and treat me like a baby. I
looked ahead of me and saw Roberta smiling. “You’re a great couple.” She said.
She then chuckled and laughed with Hattie, luckily they kept on walking. I smiled anyway and looked back at Jimmy, he
was frowning but he then looked at me and a grin lit up his face. All was well and I didn’t care about anyone
else but the future Siora-Jean Jones and Jimmy Jones.
I
scowled as I thought of Hattie; she was horrid but nowhere near as horrid as
Hannah. I opened my eyes. It felt considerably better, until I tried to get
up. One step out of bed led me to
complete weakness, the one problem was, I was starving. I felt my eyes fill
with tears as I crawled down the stairs then into the kitchen. I could see the cupboard, which held the
bread but my body took me to the chair. I cautiously stood up and then pulled
it open. I collapsed into and just sat
there for ten minutes heavy breathing. I then realised how hungry I was and
made my way to the toaster. Every inch took half my strength and I began to
cry. Nearly there, I stood up and
opened the cupboard; I was drained from energy. I peered in and my hand closed
around the white loaf of bread. I dragged it out and onto the sideboard. Two
pieces of toast went into the toaster and I dragged myself back to the chair ad
left the cupboard open. I got back and closed my eyes.
Part
of me had known I should have only eaten one.
The sick feeling was back and I fell onto the floor and willed myself to
sleep, nothing happened and I just layed there, exhausted.
One month later
I stared at the blank sheet
of paper infront of me. I needed to
draw an ideal settlement place, geography homework, but I knew it wouldn’t make
the page come alive. It needed words. Words that were going to show him that I
cared, that there was still love in me yet. I picked up the parker pen and
sighed, I didn’t think that this was a good idea, but it had to be done. My
hand rested lightly around the pen and I thought about my first sentence.
To Jimmy,
I think it’s important
that you know that I miss you.
I
stopped and stared at the paper again. I sighed and let my pen flow over the
page.
So I want to talk to you again, just as friends you
know? It would also mean a lot to me
if you didn’t show anyone else this letter and, if Esmee has done as I have
asked, no one but you will even know you have this letter so… Anyway. Meet me
at lunchtime at the top right corner of the field. No one needs to know why and
please come alone.
From
Siora
I
smiled. It was what I wanted, to see him again, to talk to him. I folded it up and put it in my blazer
pocket tucked away safely. I would give it to Esmee in the morning; she’s the
only one who can be trusted to give it to him without anyone else knowing.
I
could feel the lightweight of the folded letter in my pocket; it kept bumping
against my leg as I walked. Its presence aggravated me into eventually taking
it out of my pocket and wrapped up in the palm of my hand. I looked around me as I placed my foot on
the first step, there was Esmee. The bell shrilled in my ears as soon as I took
my first step off the bus. I gasped in
horror as the facts hit me, full force, in the face; Jimmy wasn’t going to get
the letter. I ran as fast as I could
after Esmee but she could run faster and she was out of sight before I could
catch up. I was out of breath and devastated, there was nothing I could
do. I was never going to be able to
meet up with Jimmy no matter how hard I tried.
I sat staring at the
computer screen in form; he should be reading the letter right now. I felt like
I was going to cry, it was hopeless, I knew I was never going to get Jimmy
back, God says that it’s not meant to be. I couldn’t believe it; I went through
so much effort writing that letter and now he won’t get it and if he does get
it, it wont make sense! I looked at the other side of the table, saw Hannah
laugh like a monkey, and then scowled. Her face made me feel even worse and I
went back to staring at the computer screen. I didn’t know what I could do. I
had no photos I wanted to edit, google+ is banned on school computers, so is
blogger and so is twitter. There was nothing I could do. I had been through
every program on the system and there was nothing more to do. Luckily, the bell rang before I could get
too bored. I made sure that I waited
for Twila and we made our way to Geography. I ran straight to Esmee when we got
there and I explained everything and how it was useless and how stupid I was.
“Siora.” I nodded. “We have another form time today.”
I was staring at the
computer screen again but this time I had my fingers crossed. The computer
wasn’t on this time and I knew that right now Jimmy was reading my letter. I
had no idea what he was thinking and to be honest, I didn’t even know what I
was thinking. Finally the bell went and I didn’t even wait for Twila, I was so
focused on finding out what Jimmy said, she caught up though and we walked to
Citizenship together laughing like idiots, I attempted to tell her what was
going on but she just kept talking and eventually I gave up. I walked in to the
classroom and much to my delight Esmee was already there. She nodded and a
smile tingled on the edges of lips. I was so pleased. She told me all about it
“he couldn’t read a couple of the words so I had to tell him what they were.”
We both rolled our eyes and laughed. “He also said “whoever wrote this is weak”
whatever that means.” I stopped laughing and that was when I began to feel
sick. My good mood suddenly ended and I went back to my seat in silence.
I felt sick all the way
through citizenship and I began to give up on me and Jimmy. As soon as the bell
went I ran to the bus nearly in tears.
I knew at that point that I was an idiot and I should have never written
the stupid letter. I reached into my
blazer pocket and picked out my phone. I wrote a text saying that it was a dare
and to just ignore it. Before I went to sleep I got a text back saying OK. It
was enough to let me have some sleep.
